ACDWL 059: H*rny, Gloomy

(Eh…what was I worried about?)

I tried to remember the anxiety I should have felt a while ago, but I can’t even put together my hazy thoughts.

I felt weak and if Rodo wasn’t supporting me, I would’ve fallen off his knees.

I’m thrilled by the l*stful eyes that pierced me.

(I was kissed…)

What’s more, something that’s too rich that can’t be tolerated by a beginner.

Saliva spilled from my loose mouth.

Rodo licked it.

(My body shuddered…)

I can feel that I’m er*ct.

My waist is also heavy and hot.

I don’t have to look to know what the hard thing under my hips is.

(…I, will I be embraced like this…?)

If I’m pushed down now, I probably can’t resist.

Being embraced for the first time is scary, but…I also wanted it.

 

However, no matter how long I waited, I wasn’t pushed down.

Not just my first kiss, even though both the second and third was stolen and he knew I’m er*ct, even though I’m glaring with greedy eyes, he didn’t go further.

…as expected, is he thinking of doing it after marriage?

 

When I was kissed for the first time, it was gentle, as if to relieve my anxiety.

I chased his lips when he tried to move away, probably because I wanted it.

…I didn’t expect it to turn into something so rich, like entwining my tongue.

When I realized that we just had a deep kiss, my face become hot.

He asked if I didn’t like it, but I couldn’t hate the kiss from my beloved whom I’d marry later.

When he asked, “can I do it again?”, I was thrilled…but just nodded and I was given a passionate kiss again.

It’s natural that since I’ve never dated anyone, I’ve never kissed…

 

…my hips moved.

But I couldn’t even say I wanted him to kiss me, so how else could I say I wanted him to touch me.

In the first place, I never thought that a kiss would make me like this.

Am I that vulnerable to pleasure?

I was kissed many times without any more words, but now I don’t have the courage to look at Rodo.

With just a glance, I can feel a thrill travel down my spine.

I didn’t think it would be so embarrassing to face Rodo, who has such a muscular face.

I don’t even know what kind of face I should make.

So I’m embarrassed to look at him.

 

“Kou.”

When he called out, my body jerked.

I didn’t hate it at all.

…did he misunderstood that I hate it?

I didn’t want to see his face, but I don’t hate kissing. Unfortunately, I can’t even say that so I can only hug Rodo.

“Kou. …Kou, I love you.”

Being hugged, he sweetly told me.

I thought I had to try not to be seen as gay as much as possible in my family, so I never thought that I’d get to hear someone openly whisper love like this to me.

…I’m so happy…

 

“Kou, too. Rodo, love you.”

It’s frustrating that I can’t even say it properly.

I have to learn more words.

I’m not good at pronunciation, so I often don’t understand what others say other than Rodo.

 

Powerful and thick arms surrounded me, gentler than I could ever imagine.

I had never been hugged like this.

Until my younger brother was born, I could feel the overprotective asylum from my parents.

But after my younger brother was born, that didn’t mean that they repelled me.

──I just can’t stand it.

After becoming aware of my orientation, I started to draw a line.

So it’s been a while since I was hugged like this, like I’m an important treasure.

Besides, Rodo showed no strong interest in anyone other than me.

He only treats me especially.

I’m very happy with just that.

──Rodo, who treats me especially, only loves me.

…well, that’s why I didn’t want to leave Rodo.

 

(I want to go to the bathroom…)

At least to dissipate the heat.

But I can’t get down from Rodo’s lap.

Rodo’s arms also didn’t come off, but above all, I don’t have much strength.

However, I can’t m@sturb@te on a person’s lap.

As expected, I can’t be that open.

──even if the other person is Rodo.

I never thought that a kiss alone would make me so h*rny.

I heard he had lovers before…

I’m not going to ask a 156-year-old who his partners were, but are all the people in this world like this?

He might be single for a long time, but I don’t think it’s strange if he had a few lovers in the past.

In other words, it’s not strange even if he had some experience.

It’s different from me, a beginner.

 

(Rodo isn’t satisfied with me…?)

Suddenly, my thoughts went astray.

If you’re dealing with experienced people, they might be quick to give up on me, a beginner who’s afraid to be embraced.

He said he likes me now, and he’s keeping pace with me…but will he hate me in the future?

As for doing the deed…I couldn’t even buy s*x toys, because when I’m m@sturb@ting, I only put my fingers in shallowly. I don’t think I can accept the evil-sized Rodo’s thing right away.

It’ll take a long time to get used to it.

…no, not just time, it might even take days.

Would he be impatient with such a partner?

Would he think it’s a hassle?

──but I definitely don’t want it to hurt, and I don’t want to be embraced if I’m traumatized.

However, since I’m a beginner, he might not touch me at all.

I was kissed, but even when he knew I’m er*ct, he didn’t do anything else.

 

(…what? Should I just put up with the pain and accept it?)

But that would make me feel only pain.

If that continues for a long time, the relationship will not last long.

…at this point, if I endure it for Rodo, he might be the same.

A relationship in which either one continues to endure will soon break down.

I have no choice but to put up with it or Rodo will put up with it…and right now, I’m just indulging in Rodo’s patience.

(I’m thinking only about myself…)

 

When I fell into self-loathing, the fever quickly retreated.

Rodo probably noticed that too.

He looked worried and peered into my face.

(Don’t cry…)

I’m worried I might cry again.

I don’t want it to be mistaken to mean “I didn’t like it”.

Am I emotionally unstable because of the accumulation of various things?

I hugged Rodo to hide my crying face and to tell him that I didn’t dislike it.

“Rodo, like.”

When I said so, he gently stroked my head.

“Rodo also likes Kou. Just Kou.”

I couldn’t stand those words and tears spilled.

It’s painful that my anxiety never disappeared even though I gave him the words I wanted to say.

[Now I want to take Rodo’s hand more than my family.]

I unintentionally spoke in Japanese.

It’s not that I don’t want to see my family anymore, but if I’m told I have to separate from Rodo to see them, then I won’t.

Right now, the feeling of wanting to be with Rodo is prevailing.

“Rodo…”

I rubbed my head against the hand that’s stroking my head.

Rodo didn’t look sad today, probably because he’s spoiling me.

 

Maybe Rodo understood my anxiety.

Since he has similar anxiety.

(If I’m embraced and we’re connected, will this anxiety be alleviated a little?)

Certainly, I’m afraid of the act, but if my anxiety disappears, I’d be happy.

If he’s willing to endure for me──

“Marriage, after…embrace, will you?” (After getting married, will you embrace me?)

Just when I thought so, I unknowingly said it.

Rodo had a surprised face.

…but he immediately nodded with a smile.

Looking at that face, I felt my chest become warm.

With a smile, he hugged me fiercely.

…these arms are the place I wanted to be.

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Translator’s Note:

Just so you guys know, the word “embrace” here doesn’t mean literal but a metaphor or euphemism (or whatever you call it) for s*x.