Faced with Liu 13’s earnest curiosity, Lan He couldnโt bring himself to explain. Joking around was one thing, but could he really promote his own RPS (real person slash)? Soโฆ he decided to act.
Lan He stood up abruptly. “Oh no, whereโs Liu 13? He just disappeared all of a sudden!”
Liu 13: “???”
Lan Heโs expression was so convincing that Liu 13 became confused. Having never been seriously pranked by Lan He before, he naively replied, “Iโm right here. Whatโs wrong?”
Bai Wu: “โฆโฆโฆโฆ”
Lan He dramatically clutched his chest like a soap opera character. “Am I suddenly stripped of my ghost envoy status? Oh no, I canโt see anymore!” He pulled Song Futan up with him. “What about you? Can you still see him?”
Song Futan: “โฆHmm, I canโt see him either.”
It sounded so absurd, yet Lan Heโs acting was so spot-on, with all the signs of “losing his powers.” He even dragged Song Futan upstairs, saying they needed to draw a talisman with a wolf-hair brush to test their spiritual abilities.
Liu 13 sat below, waiting for ten minutes.
By then, Hu 79 had finished her chores and returned his phone, overhearing him muttering seriously, “Why arenโt they back yet? Iโve thought long and hard, but I still donโt understand why my spiritual aura disappeared.”
Hu 79: “โฆ”
What a fool.
But she couldnโt entirely blame himโLan He was just too committed to the bit.
Hu 79โs eyes sparkled as she rubbed her hands together. “Iโll tell you why. And also what โFuLan Coupleโ is.”
Ah, so he wanted to fangirl over the CP (couple pairing). CP fans are still fans, after allโtime to bring Liu 13 into the fold.
Liu 13: “Oh?”
He said haughtily, “Youโre not trying to trick this dragon, are you?”
Hu 79: “โฆ”
These Liu spirits were insufferable, always doubting everyone and everything. They were especially wary of the Hu clan.
Hu 79: “Why would I trick you, Old Four? The โFuโ refers to Song Futan, and โLanโ is for Lan He.”
Liu 13: “Iโm not the fourth. So youโre saying โFuLan Coupleโ refers to the two of them?”
“Exactly. Thatโs why they ran upstairs earlier, feeling shy.” Hu 79 plopped onto the dining table and sat cross-legged like a storyteller.
Liu 13, however, seemed uninterested. “Whatโs their story? Arenโt they just a regular couple?”
From the moment Liu 13 met them, they had teamed up to beat him up. Ever since, he had instinctively avoided seeing them together. To him, their occasional whispered conversations and quick kisses seemed no different from any ordinary couple. And for Liu 13, sweet romance wasnโt just about being sugaryโit had to be dramatic. The highs and lows made it all the more thrilling.
โAs for their genders, Liu 13 couldnโt care less. Most animals in nature have natural same-sex couples, so animal spirits were entirely unbothered by it. To him, they were just another ordinary coupleโcompletely unremarkable. He didnโt even consider the challenges same-sex couples might face. Just two words: boringly normal.
Hu 79 clicked her tongue. “Youโre missing the backstory and context. To appreciate the ship, you need a foundation. So, which version do you want to hearโthe mortal realm version or the yin-yang version?”
The “mortal realm version” was the one seen by fans: a writer and his muse.
The “yin-yang version” incorporated the underworldโs truths.
Though Hu 79 hadnโt been with Lan He from the start, she had picked up plenty of details over timeโlike when they defeated Hu Si, who blabbered about Song Futan being so grief-stricken by Lan Heโs supposed death that he wanted to die too. Combined with what she gleaned from Melonhead Immortal, she had enough material to piece together the storyโs general arc.
Liu 13, holding no particular expectations, said, “Fine, tell me both.”
“Great! Letโs start with the mortal realm version.” Hu 79 immediately launched into an animated retelling of the *FuLan Couple* story as it circulated online. These were fan compilations, so she simply recited them.
Sitting on the cold tiles, Liu 13 listened with increasing interest. He shifted positions. “โฆThis is kind of interesting.”
So it was a “domineering writer falls for me” trope!
Hu 79 even exaggerated some details based on fan theories and her own observations, like how *Ghostly Charm* lacked any romantic subplot for Lan Heโs character.
Liu 13 couldnโt resist grabbing some snacks. “Alright, alright, Iโm into it.”
Then came the second version. Hu 79โs storytelling skills were impeccable, and this one was even more striking. It was a tale of misunderstandings and love born of life and death, fleeting like the morning dewโan ephemeral romance spanning the underworld, the mortal realm, Buddhism, and Taoism. Neither protagonist initially knew the otherโs true name or face.
With such a buildup, their eventual recognition, reunion, and the ensuing battles and love story became all the more poignantโa heart-wrenching journey that ended in sweetness.
Liu 13 was completely captivated, his heart aching even though he knew the two protagonists were already together.
When Hu 79 described Song Futan confessing his feelings and kissing Lan He, Liu 13 couldnโt help but pound the table with his fist, as if a current had shot through his heart. “Ahhhhhhh!!!”
Hu 79 proudly stood on the table, her paws tapping energetically. “I was there! I witnessed it all!”
She had been nestled in Lan Heโs backpack, cutely observing their kiss firsthand!
Liu 13 rolled around on the floor enviously. “Ahhhhhhโ”
Now, thinking back to Song Futan and Lan Heโs sneaky kiss in the living room last night, he regretted not savoring the moment. A mountain of sweetness had been right in front of him, and heโd been oblivious!
And oh, how late he was to the party! According to Hu 79, back when they had just gotten together, Song Futan had been even more clingy and anxious. But at that time, Liu 13 had been immersed in secluded cultivation.
“So, what do you say? Will you join the fandom?” Hu 79 asked.
Liu 13, unfamiliar with the lingo, nodded randomly. “Yes, yes.”
Hu 79: “…”
Hu 79: “Itโs either โyesโ or โjoin.โ Not just โyes.โ”
What nonsenseโshe was a fox, not a bird, and that startled her.
Eventually, Hu 79 convinced Liu 13 to promise heโd join her in supporting their ship. Satisfied, she went to rest, leaving him her phone and teaching him where to find more content.
But Liu 13, ever the earnest snake, declined. “No need. Iโll just watch them.”
He was very particularโwhy look at fan content when the real deal was right in front of him?
โฆ
The next day, Lan He came downstairs, bringing out stainless steel bowls. He filled them with incense and set them in front of the household spirits. Forgetting the previous nightโs events, he casually asked, “Why hasnโt Liu 13 gone to work yet?”
By “work,” he meant Liu 13โs job as a park security guard.
Initially, Liu 13 had agreed to guard the central town-sealing bridge, but now that the park was complete, he was still lingering at Lan Heโs house.
Liu 13, nibbling on incense, glanced upstairs absentmindedly, wondering why Song Futan hadnโt come down yet. “No rush. Iโll patrol later. My snake molt is under the bridge. Regular people canโt find the town seal. If someone tries anything, Iโll sense it immediately.”
Occasionally manifesting his presence would suffice.
Lan He assumed he was just indulging in incense, which wasnโt unusual. Given Liu 13โs high cultivation, Lan He didnโt push further, only muttering, “Work is work, and leisure is leisure. You can even take your phone with youโฆ”
In the past, Liu 13 wouldโve found him insufferable, but bound by their agreement and the incense offerings, he wouldโve swallowed his complaints. Today, though, Liu 13 saw Lan He through a “sweet” lens. Even Lan Heโs playful lies didnโt bother him anymore.
Lan He felt uneasy under Liu 13โs gaze. Snake eyes were inherently cold and predatory, always seeming like they were about to devour something. “What are you staring at? Isnโt the incense enough for you? We donโt feed flesh and blood hereโXuanguang!”
He called for Song Futan.
Song Futan emerged from the basement, carrying toolsโhe had been preparing for Lan Heโs backyard gardening project.
Liu 13 flicked his tongue, observing their interaction.
But Lan He only exchanged a few words with Song Futan about their plans for the day, placed an order for seeds and fertilizer, and didnโt even touch him.
Lan He, feeling the lingering stare, asked Hu 79, “Whatโs up with Old Four? Why is he staring at me?”
Hu 79 explained with a sly grin, “I gave him a crash course on *FuLan Couple* last night. He instantly became a fan and said it was incredibly sweet.”
Lan He: “โฆโฆโฆโฆ”
He walked away weakly, resigning himself to the situation. Oh well, this wasnโt the worst thing the “kids” had done.
The local courier arrived quickly. Lan He signed for the package, which contained vegetable and fruit seeds as well as an automated irrigation system for when they werenโt home.
Lan He looked genuinely happy. With experience managing his parentsโ balcony garden, he knew exactly what fertilizers and treatments to use. Even before the land was tilled, he was already talking excitedly with Song Futan, envisioning plucking fresh tomatoes from their garden. And with household spirits around, their crops were bound to thrive.
Lan Heโs eyes sparkled. “Oh, oh, I love farming, haha!”
Song Futan chuckled, watching Lan Heโs enthusiasm. He stepped forwardโฆ and took the bags from Lan Heโs hands.
Turning around, Lan He saw that Hu 79 and the others had completely finished their incense. In high spirits, he asked, “Should I bring out a few more sticks?”
Hu 79: “Sure, sure.”
Bai Wu also cautiously placed his paw on the table.
Only Liu 13, who had waited so long without seeing any interaction, burst out impatiently, “Why is it still like this? This dragon wants sweets! Hurry up and give me some sugar!”
Lan He: “…”
Bai Wu was so startled that his body wobbled, curling into a ball.
Liu 13 banged on his bowl. “Hurry up!!! Where’s the sugar?!”
He was righteously demanding candy.
Lan He found it both exasperating and amusing. “Who acts like this? Old Fourth.”
Liu 13 still didn’t understand why he was called Old Fourth. After correcting them countless times, he was fed up and banged the bowl harder. “What Old Fourth? Who acts like this? You two are a couple!!”
Although Liu 13 had arrived the latest, his bowl was the most battered, with many small dents already.
Lan He was annoyed too. “What do you mean? So what if we’re a couple? Do I have to perform my relationship in front of you?”
This was the equivalent of not being disciplined for three days and causing chaos. Lan He rubbed the red marks on his wrist.
Song Futan walked over, picked Lan He up from behind, and placed him on a high stool. “Forget it, the holiday’s not over yet.”
Lan He: “…”
Lan He: “…Ghost Festival? Can Ghost Month still count as an ongoing holiday?”
Truly a screenwriterโsuch absurd logic.
Before he could finish complaining, Song Futan had already leaned in from the side to kiss him. The kiss melted away Lan He’s anger, leaving him dazed and instinctively wrapping his arms around Song Futan’s neck.
After the kiss, Song Futan bent down and pinched Lan He’s cheek.
Lan He flinched, about to laugh, but then felt a burning gaze.
Liu 13 was holding his bowl, staring at them with snake-like pupils. Though he stayed quiet, the intensity of his gaze was unnerving. His fists were clenched, and while Lan He knew he didn’t mean to fight, it felt like he was about to say something outrageous…
Lan He: “…”
Lan He felt chills down his spine. He jumped up and wrapped his arms around Song Futan’s neck. “If you keep kissing, I told you we can’t just let him be!!”
—
Lan He spent a few days farming at home. Meanwhile, news spread that he had auditioned for the role of Master Jingsheng and even had a promising chance, sparking much discussion.
It wasn’t just Director Fang; many people shared the same concern about Lan He. His acting skills were undoubtedly superb, but the image of Zhang Xunchun left a deep impression on audiences. His appearance was also delicate and youthful, leaving a striking and dramatic impression.
Master Jingsheng, however, was modeled after a real-life Buddhist layman, which seemed worlds apart from Lan He’s image. If he intended to break free from people’s fixed impressions, this was certainly a drastic step.
Even if the director considered Lan He’s popularity and chose him, there was uncertainty about how the performance would turn out. Many worried it would feel out of place.
The public debated the matter, with supporters and detractors alike. Lan He’s fans naturally declared their belief that if he took the role, their idol would surely perform brilliantly.
In past casting disputes, Lan He had already made enemies, so some fans of other actors had nothing nice to say.
Some even speculated that with Lan He’s current popularity, he must be overly ambitious. Acting in other roles was one thing, but portraying Master Jingshengโrenowned as the “Calligraphy Avalokitesvara” for his artistic and literary talent in Buddhist philosophyโrequired a certain level of inner depth. Could Lan He set aside the noise and immerse himself in the role?
The matter wasnโt a big deal initially, as the role hadn’t been confirmed yet. The internet buzzed with countless topics daily. Overall, Lan Heโs reputation among the general public remained strong. Even those who doubted his suitability for the role acknowledged his acting prowess.
However, someone created a poll asking whether people supported the casting.
Things escalated when the official account of Beijing’s Eastern Peak Temple accidentally shared the poll on Weibo. By the time they realized and deleted it hours later, netizens had already noticed and were laughing uproariously.
ใWhatโs going on? Are Taoist priests fans now? Even gossiping?ใ
ใWhatโs this? A Taoist priest using the official account to vote on whether someone should play a monk…?ใ
ใWell, theyโre both part of the monastic community; thereโs some overlap.ใ
ใWow, society is really restless. Even monastics are online following celebrity gossip.ใ
ใTaoism and Buddhismโoddly gives me a โno one knows you better than I doโ vibe…ใ
The Eastern Peak Temple is one of the oldest Taoist landmarks in Beijing, the largest Zhengyi sect temple in North China, and famously known as the “Place where ten thousand people bow beyond Chaoyang Gate.” Now, with their involvement in a vote concerning a monk’s casting, He Pingge felt unsure whether to acknowledge this as a kindred connection or not.
Many assumed the Eastern Peak Temple’s official account would issue a statementโperhaps clarifying that it was a mistake by an account manager who forgot to switch accounts and promising stricter training in the future. Surprisingly, the incident was met with complete silence, as if nothing had happened.
There was a reason for this: the one who “accidentally” voted was none other than Jianghe Daozhang, a well-respected figure in the Taoist community.
When the temple staff investigated, they traced it directly back to him. “โฆGrandmaster Jiang?”
In Taoist communities, disciples address senior Daozhangs with the respectful title “Grandmaster.”
Jianghe Daozhang, looking completely innocent, said, “I was discussing philosophy over a video call with another Daozhang and came across this poll. I just voted casually. What does ‘switch accounts’ mean? I simply thought it was appropriate.”
The staff was left speechless: “โฆโฆโฆโฆ”
They wanted to say, “You’re following celebrities?” but that didn’t feel right.
Nor could they reprimand Jianghe Daozhang for being distracted from his practice by voting for a star. Who had the authority to lecture him?
Even if Jianghe Daozhang decided to start showing up at airports to greet celebrities, it wouldn’t detract from his mastery of Taoist teachings.
Moreover, Jianghe Daozhang wasnโt just a respected masterโhis family had a history of Taoist practice, and his elders had known Master Jingsheng personally. So, if he thought Lan He was suitable, what was wrong with that?
—
On Lan He’s end, he didnโt have to wait long before receiving confirmation from his company: Director Fang had indeed chosen him for the role, and he could now sign the contract. However, participating in this film required training.
Lan He had initially thought he might need to live at Juehui Temple for immersion, but he was fine with the production’s planned group training and readily agreed.
Because it was Ghost Month, there were numerous rituals around the Zhongyuan Festival, and Lan He took some time to help guide souls.
Meanwhile, the Taoists at Eastern Peak Temple, under Jianghe Daozhangโs orders, prepared a lavish feast to welcome “Lord Lai” (Lan Heโs nickname in the underworld). Speculation about “Lord Lai” was rampantโghosts of the underworld debated, and even mortal practitioners were curious. The only thing certain was that “Lord Lai” cared little for wealth but loved gourmet food.
This led to two theories about his true identity. One was that he had died in a car accident and been disfigured. The other was that he had been a starving ghost who perished in a traffic accident, explaining both his masked appearance and his love for food.
When Lan He floated into Eastern Peak Temple, the Taoists warmly presented a banquet. “Thank you for your hard work, Lord Lai. Please, enjoy!”
Lan He glanced at the spread and coolly replied, “Thanks, but no need.”
The Taoists were stunned. What was wrong with “Lord Lai”? He had always enthusiastically indulged in their offerings, even inviting others to join. Could he be dissatisfied with them now? Or had he found tastier vegetarian dishes elsewhere? Juehui Temple? Baiyun Temple?
“Are you unhappy with the dishes? We can change them!” the Taoists hastily offered.
Jianghe Daozhang had instructed them to treat “Lord Lai” with utmost care, even more attentively than ordinary Uncommon beings.
Lan He sighed as he looked at the feast. It wasnโt dissatisfaction; it wasโฆ
He wasnโt the same diet-conscious person he used to be!
Director Fang had suggested he gain about ten pounds before joining the production, as Lan He had been on a strict diet for his previous two films and was now too thin. His company hired professionals to design a meal plan, emphasizing not just weight gain but also building muscle for a balanced physique.
As a result, Lan He went from being perpetually hungry to eating several meals a day. He had just finished a high-calorie late-night snack before arriving and had no appetite left.
Hearing Lan Heโs sigh, the Taoists grew concerned. “Whatโs wrong with Lord Lai?”
Shocked, the underworldโs famous starving ghost had rejected food!
Preparing for his role, Lan He casually quoted from *The Great Cessation and Contemplation’s Auxiliary Practices*: “Eat less, and your mind will be clearer.”
The Taoists fell silent for a moment, then began whispering nervously, even showing signs of panic.
One Taoist backed away, adjusting his hat as he hurried off, shouting, “Protect the souls quickly!”
The others surrounded the souls Lan He was meant to escort to the Eastern Peak Underworld, casting wary glances at him.
Lan He: “?”
The fleeing Taoist was already out of sight, yelling, “Grandmaster Jiang! Somethingโs wrongโLord Lai is defecting to Buddhism!!”
…A traitor in our midst!
Authorโs Note:
Liu 13 (banging on his stainless steel bowl): When this dragon wakes up, I expect this bowl to be full of candy!
Liu 13 is so funny lmaoo, he just needs to learn about natural Savory interactions vs performing