AGJN 049: Could You Please Prop My Corpse Up

First Lady Hu still remembered how Lan He had repeatedly refused her in the past, saying he wasn’t a spirit medium.

But now, as soon as First Lady Hu arrived, she saw Lan He burning incense and feeding Hu 79 and Bai Wu. She had smelled both their scents on Lan He before.

A mortal opens up while a spirit registers. Although Lan He had not gone to Miaogan Mountain for initiation, First Lady Hu, who worked at Miaogan Mountain, could sense as soon as she saw him that he had already offered to family spirits.

Last time, Lan He had said that Hu 79 was recuperating at his place, but to this day, Hu 79 was still there. Watching her eat so skillfully, she was clearly a fox spirit… who else could she be?

First Lady Hu had met Hu 79 long ago. After all, back when Miaogan Mountain had booming incense offerings, Hu 79 had been called to help out for a while, acting as a temporary worker. First Lady Hu still had a vague impression of her. But now, all sentiment from that incense was gone. The grudge of seizing one’s household was irreconcilable!

First Lady Hu pounced on Hu 79, scratching furiously. Hu 79 cried and defended herself, while Bai Wu watched in breathless shock, almost fainting. Hu Si started to indignantly curse, blaming the heavens, the earth, and First Lady Hu, but First Lady Hu didn’t even spare her a glance, which made her even angrier…

The scene was utter chaos.

Lan He, his scalp tingling, shouted at Old Bai, “Help!”

Old Bai and the other underworld messengers looked reluctant. “We don’t want to… it’s pretty entertaining…”

Though they didn’t get to gang up on Hu Si today, this scene was still quite exciting to watch.

Lan He: “…”

Lan He had no choice but to step in himself, pulling First Lady Hu’s arms from behind to drag her away, even as she continued kicking.

Hu 79, feeling guilty, didn’t dare to retaliate. She just held her head and weakly said, “Please forgive me, First Lady Hu. I risked my life for this opportunity. These past few months, I didn’t even get a job at the God of Wealth Tower, just cleaning out his drains…”

When she got back, she might even have to swim butterfly stroke through the sewers.

First Lady Hu hesitated for a moment. “It wasn’t you who got initiated?”

They all tacitly avoided mentioning Lan He’s name, but it had already unsettled some people.

Hu 79 was also dumbfounded. “No, I’m just a reserve family spirit.” Her magnificent God of Wealth Tower still hadn’t materialized.

First Lady Hu’s gaze slowly shifted to a nondescript hedgehog…

Bai Wu curled up on the ground, trembling. “…”

Could it really be the Bai family? First Lady Hu even felt that hitting Bai Wu would lower her dignity. How could a mere undertaker outpace both the Hu family members? She pointed at Hu 79 in fury and cursed, “You useless thing!”

Hu 79: “…”

Again with the scolding?

Well… fine, I’ll take it, I’ll take it.

Lan He sensed First Lady Hu struggling again and quickly tightened his grip, urging her, “First Lady Hu, calm down. Do you remember the golden mouse? That’s Hu Si! Look at Hu Si!”

Hu Si: “…”

First Lady Hu turned her face slightly, her eyes still fixed on Hu 79 and Bai Wu. Drool was dripping from her sharp teeth in excitement. “Of course I remember! Damn Hu Si! You all should die!”

Hu Si: “Can you at least look at me when you say that?!”

And who exactly was she saying “you all should die” to? Why “all” of us?!

Ever since she started cultivating, Hu Si had seen First Lady Hu as her competitor. But First Lady Hu always got ahead of her—achieving enlightenment first, being more highly regarded by Miaogan Mountain, and being more respected by the four major clans…

Hu Si wasn’t willing to accept this. She had chosen to walk the dark path, absorbing human essence just to compete with First Lady Hu. But the other party never seemed to care. Hu Si had already failed once, and this time, she thought she could finally make First Lady Hu hate her. But to her surprise, First Lady Hu, upon arrival, had targeted the fox spirit and undertaker instead!

Reluctantly, First Lady Hu withdrew her gaze, wiped the drool from her arm, and regained her composure. “How dare you, Hu Si! You escaped from Miaogan Mountain, wreaked havoc in the capital, and still refuse to hand over what you stole!”

Hu Si twitched her mouth. Though First Lady Hu’s expression was stern, after the earlier incident, Hu Si couldn’t shake the feeling that First Lady Hu was just going through the motions with her.

After a long pause, Hu Si took a deep breath, fully immersing herself in the moment, and let out a loud laugh. “You want the golden mouse? Hahahaha! I’ve already destroyed it!!”

Hu Si’s mood was back, but the others were still stuck in the chaos from earlier, so their reactions were somewhat delayed, leaving Hu Si feeling slightly awkward.

Fortunately, First Lady Hu still played along, stepping forward to grab her fur. “Nonsense! You think you can destroy such an artifact?”

Hu Si was indeed formidable, or she wouldn’t have been sealed in Miaogan Mountain. Centuries ago, she had already been infamous in the capital as a wicked fox spirit. To apprehend her, First Lady Hu had even used incense ashes from the temple as a bounty.

However, the golden mouse was a central artifact. Even when Hu Si wanted to mess with the Awakening Bell at Juehui Temple, she had to manipulate someone else to do it. The golden mouse was tainted with the midday and midnight killing aura. When Hu Si had managed to steal it before, it was only because the golden mouse wasn’t in its original place. Otherwise, no mere fox spirit could withstand such an aura—even mortal emperors dared not face it directly.

Even if she manipulated someone else again, trying to destroy the golden mouse would only result in backlash from the killing aura. Thus, no one had been too worried about that.

“Doesn’t matter how I did it,” Hu Si said smugly, opening her mouth and spitting out a black, pitted object from her belly. It was barely recognizable as the golden mouse, only a faint outline remaining. “I’ve just been waiting to tell you—you’ve been working in vain. Catching me is useless now.”

First Lady Hu picked up the blackened object for a closer look. It had lost all its spiritual energy and aura—it really was destroyed… Hu Si wasn’t bluffing this time. No wonder she had been caught without using the artifact.

First Lady Hu’s fingernails dug into the damaged artifact, like piercing through tofu. “…How exactly did you do this?”

How could Hu Si destroy a central artifact? Did she have accomplices? No, even First Lady Hu herself couldn’t do such a thing. Or perhaps she had some sort of secret technique or stroke of luck?

More importantly, what should be done now that the central artifact was gone?

First Lady Hu felt a deep ache for the sacred object, and the more she thought about it, the angrier she became. She couldn’t hold back her rage and threw Hu Si onto the ground. The injured fox let out a miserable squeal as she hit the floor.

Upon hearing this, the laughter in the room began to fade, and the atmosphere grew heavy. Lan He, in particular, had assumed that capturing Hu Si would mark the end of their troubles—how had things turned out like this?

Hu Si took a few deep breaths before grinning maliciously. “Sure, I didn’t hide for long, but how much time do you all have left to fix this? Without the central artifact, the killing aura will intensify. It won’t be long before the entire city knows this is the perfect opportunity. Sooner or later, all the other protective artifacts will fall as well…”

The room was filled with underworld messengers from various offices across the capital, as well as figures like Melonhead Immortal and Ying Shao, representing immortals and priests. They all began whispering, their faces full of concern.

Some entities in this world were inherently neutral, straddling the line between good and evil. Figures like Melonhead Immortal and Hu 79 had even dealt with humans in the past. Without the restrictions of the central artifact, many spirits that had previously remained relatively well-behaved would become restless. As for those like Hu Si, who had already strayed from the righteous path, they would only get worse.

Suddenly, Song Futan spoke up, “Ever since the central artifact began to malfunction, the Master of Immovability has been advocating for the construction of a bridge along the meridian. His plan was to borrow the treasure of Nanyun Temple and seal it within the bridge, turning it into a new central artifact. However, when the golden mouse was obtained, the plan was shelved. Now it should be revived.”

This revelation left everyone stunned.

There had been much debate about what to use as the new central artifact, as the challenge was considerable. The mortal priests had agonized over the decision, and it was only the discovery of the golden mouse that had finally settled the issue, allowing everyone to breathe a sigh of relief.

But no one had known that the Master of Immovability had intended to borrow Nanyun Temple’s treasure!

Nanyun Temple, located in the southeast, was a renowned temple in China, belonging to the Linji School of Chan Buddhism. Its temple treasure consisted of a sword and staff left behind by the famed Zen master Tanzhen, who had once saved the human emperor during a time of chaos. This treasure was not only imbued with Zen energy and royal authority but also held great historical significance.

Given its importance, Nanyun Temple cherished the treasure as much as Hanshan Temple treasured the “Maple Bridge Night Mooring” stele or Famen Temple valued its Buddha relics. The treasure was never exhibited to the public.

If the Master of Immovability had managed to secure Nanyun Temple’s treasure, it would certainly rival the golden mouse in value. But the problem was…

Even Old Bai couldn’t help but ask, “Would Nanyun Temple actually agree to this?”

This wasn’t just a simple loan; once borrowed, it likely wouldn’t be returned.

Song Futan replied, “Given the gravity of the situation, the abbot of Nanyun had agreed to discuss it. However, once the golden mouse was found, the plan was set aside. Now, we simply need to resume negotiations, though naturally, it won’t come without a cost.”

First Lady Hu hesitated, as if she wanted to say something but held back.

“I knew it couldn’t be that easy. Of course, it’s not free,” Old Bai remarked, turning to First Lady Hu for confirmation. “First Lady Hu, were you aware of this?”

First Lady Hu glanced at Song Futan, then finally said, “I had heard some mention of it…”

“Good, good.” Old Bai perked up immediately.

Everyone else in the room began celebrating this hopeful news. Truly, after a dead-end, a new path had opened!

“See that? We’ve got a new central artifact lined up. Now, say whatever you want about how you destroyed the golden mouse!” Old Bai’s usually somber face was now brimming with joy. He grabbed Hu Si by the hind legs and hoisted her upside down. “First Lady Hu, shall we fry her in the oil cauldron now?”

He was annoyed by Hu Si’s attempts to be mysterious. The sooner they dealt with her, the sooner things would be resolved. Hu Si’s core had been shattered; she was practically useless now. However, since she was from the Hu family and had escaped from Miaogan Mountain, they needed to defer to First Lady Hu’s decision.

“She has a better destination,” First Lady Hu said coldly. She raised her voice, “Now that the central artifact is on its way, I won’t hide this any longer. The metallic artifact from the Dark Five is currently being repaired by me, but the work has been delayed. I originally planned to sacrifice myself to complete it, but now… I have a better option.”

That option was Hu Si.

Hu Si didn’t seem surprised. She even chuckled.

So ruthless… The Hu family was ruthless both to their enemies and themselves. Lan He thought to himself, but he also realized that First Lady Hu’s move was meant to set an example. She wanted the whole capital to witness the consequences of crossing her and to make everyone think twice.

Today’s news would spread throughout the underworld via those present.

After delivering her message, First Lady Hu exchanged a few quiet words with Old Bai, and he signaled to his colleagues that the meeting was over.

As First Lady Hu carried the dangling Hu Si, the fox suddenly called out to Lan He, “Hey, you.”

Lan He responded, “Hey, what? Call me ‘Master.’”

Hu Si: “…”

Hu Si grumbled angrily, “You’re not a proper underworld messenger.”

Lan He replied matter-of-factly, “Of course I’m a proper one.” He was, after all, a conscripted militiaman of the underworld.

Hu Si gritted her teeth. “You’re not. At least, you’re not a typical underworld messenger. That’s why the Red Lotus of Illness lost its weakness. That’s why you can wield the power of that scroll. And why you don’t crave the scent of flesh. I almost thought it was because you were new… but you’re a living underworld messenger, aren’t you?”

Ying Shao: “…”

Melonhead Immortal: “……”

…It could no longer be ignored, like a flash of lightning illuminating everything, connecting all the previously overlooked details that were either dismissed out of confidence or fear.

In truth, when they had seen Bai Wu, Song Futan, and Lord Lai interacting with Lan He, when they had noticed their similar eyes, when they saw that Lord Lai cared only for food, not wealth… so many clues should have led them to the same conclusion.

Especially after “Zhang Xunchun” became famous for his acting skills, it explained how these deceptions could unfold so seamlessly.

The two of them had always been the closest to the truth!

When you think about it, Hu Si had far fewer clues than Melonhead Immortal and Ying Shao, yet she pieced together the subtle details to make this bold deduction. Perhaps it was because she didn’t know too much, or hadn’t interacted with Lan He for as long, that she was able to step back and see the bigger picture.

Even so, Hu Si had to say: A living underworld messenger being afraid of ghosts? How laughable!

Hu Si had said it outright, leaving Melonhead Immortal and Ying Shao unable to avoid the issue any longer. Melonhead wasn’t unwilling to believe it; he just didn’t dare to accept it.

After all, if Lan He was truly a living underworld messenger, then didn’t that mean Melonhead Immortal had cursed at him in front of the fearsome Lord Lai?

Tears welled up in Melonhead Immortal’s eyes as he murmured, “You’re not really a living underworld messenger, are you?”

He was quite injured too; his melon cap had cracked, and there were three bloody scratches at the corner of his eye. His chest and abdomen were covered in wounds, with blood and dust mingling, making him look pitifully disheveled.

Seeing how terrified Melonhead Immortal was, Lan He, thinking the poor man had been through enough today, decided to help ease his anxiety. After all, he didn’t want to get too tangled up with the affairs of both the living and the dead realms. With everyone relieved, Lan He calmly assured him, “No, I’m not. She’s just talking nonsense.”

Hu Si rolled her eyes.

“Oh, that’s good.” Melonhead Immortal covered his mouth and let out a loud sob of relief.

Ying Shao: “…”

Seriously? Ying Shao grabbed Melonhead Immortal’s paw, about to speak but stopping himself: Are we really going to deceive ourselves like this?

“As long as he says so, I’ll believe him,” Melonhead Immortal replied weakly, unable to bear the emotional blow.

Lan He gave them a smile. Though they couldn’t see his mouth, his eyes curved in a friendly way.

Ying Shao: “…”

…

“I’m heading back to Miaogan Mountain. You’ll be returning soon too, right?” First Lady Hu said kindly to Lan He.

Lan He replied, “First Lady Hu, could you please let go of my hand?”

Her claws were still clutching his wrist…

First Lady Hu gave a fake smile but didn’t budge. “Can’t I touch for a moment? Don’t you feel any guilt? You told me before you weren’t a spirit medium, and you didn’t reveal your true identity to me. Yet after I left, you ended up accepting two family spirits?”

Lan He responded, “But you didn’t wash your hands after touching Hu Si’s vomit…”

First Lady Hu: “…”

Hu Si: “…”

Hu Si snapped, “He’s just good at folding paper…”

You know nothing, First Lady Hu thought. She grabbed Hu Si’s snout tightly, clamping it shut so the fox couldn’t make a sound.

Lan He, feeling like he was always being treated like a scoundrel, worried that First Lady Hu might start beating up Hu 79 again. He quickly changed the subject, “To be honest, it was all a coincidence. Now… I’d be happy to welcome you over for some incense offerings once you’ve finished your tasks.”

First Lady Hu had been working hard for the safety of the capital. The more Lan He learned about the Four Great Clans, the more multidimensional his view of them became.

As Lan He spoke, he remembered something and thoughtfully turned to Melonhead Immortal to explain, “By the way, when she mentioned my true identity, it didn’t mean anything.”

Melonhead Immortal: “…Oh, okay.”

Ying Shao: “…”

Another reason for self-deception, it seems.

Even Song Futan couldn’t stand it anymore. He placed two fingers on Lan He’s hand. “First Lady Hu.”

First Lady Hu gave him face and finally released Lan He’s wrist. Lan He cast a quick glance at Song Futan before retracting his hand.

“Alright then.” First Lady Hu’s eyes sparkled as she sensed Lan He’s shift in attitude. Fine, she thought, let’s just pretend those two spirits were scouting ahead for her. After all, there wasn’t time to dwell on it. “Prepare some incense offerings. We’ll meet again soon.”

Again? That made sense. After all, First Lady Hu had issued a bounty, and whoever caught Hu Si would be rewarded with the golden ashes from the sacred furnace.

Lan He was about to ask when exactly they would meet again, but First Lady Hu had already whisked Hu Si away, disappearing into the night mist. Just then, Lan He heard the sound of sirens in the distance.

“…Ugh, do you think those two meat lovers called the police? I told them to act like nothing happened!” Lan He felt like he was back in the human realm all of a sudden. “Let’s hurry and go. The temple’s locks and statues are all broken!”

Lan He couldn’t help but wonder whether those two had managed to note down Song Futan’s license plate number or if there were any cameras nearby. Well, Song Futan would likely take care of it, especially since he was well-acquainted with the Master of Immovability—or perhaps even Yu Hangjia, Lan He thought to himself.

As Song Futan opened the car door, Melonhead Immortal and his wife helped move old Yu into the back seat, with Ying Shao squeezing in beside them. Lan He got into the front seat, tucking the two injured family spirits into his backpack.

In the car, Song Futan was driving, with Lan He and the family spirits in the front passenger seat. The back seat, however, contained Lan He’s… physical body, along with old Yu, Melonhead Immortal, and his wife perched on their knees. The space was cramped.

Lan He’s body, covered by clothing, slumped lifelessly in the seat, cold as ice. Although Ying Shao couldn’t see the face, his expression still showed awkward discomfort.

Let’s just pretend we don’t know what’s beside us.

Song Futan started the car, heading in the opposite direction of the police cars.

Soon, they crossed a speed bump, causing the car to jolt. Ying Shao, quick on his feet, reached out to steady old Yu’s head as it leaned over.

But because his hands were occupied, he could only watch helplessly as the covered body beside him slid off, falling right onto his knees. The clothing slipped off, revealing a pale, bloodless, yet beautiful face, mere inches away from Melonhead Immortal’s beady eyes. Pretending not to see it was no longer an option.

Melonhead Immortal: “…”

Lan He turned his head slightly and said in a low voice, “Could you please prop my body back up?”

Ying Shao: “…”

Ying Shao, after ensuring old Yu was properly reclined, reached over to right Lan He’s body.

“It seems I need to clarify,” Lan He said as he turned back, glancing at the rearview mirror. “That’s how it is—I don’t want anyone knowing about my identity. If someone else learns that I’m a living underworld messenger, it will be because one of you three let it slip.”

He had no desire to explain the whole story of how he became a living underworld messenger or the emotional turmoil behind it.

Even though Lan He didn’t specify what would happen if they revealed his secret, both Ying Shao and Melonhead Immortal felt a chill run down their spines. “U-understood.”

Melonhead Immortal’s wife covered her face with her paws, thinking, *And what did I do wrong this time?*

“Oh, by the way,” Lan He turned to ask Melonhead Immortal, “that ‘Chaozhen Scroll’—where did it come from? Is it part of your collection? Was it expensive?”

Melonhead Immortal replied honestly, “It was purchased by Yu Hangjia for three million…” He had secretly protected Yu Hangjia during his recent successful antique acquisitions, so he was well aware of the details.

Lan He: “!!”

Although he had mentally prepared himself, Lan He was still shocked. He had thought he was the most frugal underworld messenger, folding paper ingots and burning incense at minimal cost. But it turned out that to achieve the effect of that sword strike tonight, he’d need to burn through millions…

And given the scroll’s artistic value, its worth couldn’t be measured by money alone. Lan He felt a pang of distress.

Melonhead Immortal, however, didn’t seem particularly bothered. To him, it was just an old painting from when he was still alive, and besides, nothing was more valuable than old Yu’s life. He carefully cupped his hands in gratitude toward Lan He. “Speaking of which, I haven’t properly thanked you both for saving us today.”

Had Lan He not been present, they might have all fallen to Hu Si.

“You think I saved you, but without that painting, I wouldn’t have dealt with Hu Si so quickly,” Lan He said, reflecting on the situation. “Who knows how much worse Hu 79’s injuries could have been? So I appreciate it. I’ll treat you to some incense sometime.”

Melonhead Immortal smiled like he was about to cry. “I wouldn’t dare, I wouldn’t dare…”

Lan He added, “Also, when First Lady Hu gives out the golden furnace ashes, I’ll share them with you.”

Melonhead Immortal’s smile immediately became more sincere, his eyes sparkling as he cupped his hands over his heart. “That sounds wonderful!”

…

Song Futan dropped them off at a spot where they could easily catch a cab.

Lan He floated back to the rear seat, returning to his body. He opened his backpack to check on Hu 79 and Bai Wu. Thankfully, as spirits, their bleeding had stopped, but they still appeared listless, lying there with their eyes closed.

A lot had happened tonight. After everyone left, Lan He sat quietly in the back seat, lost in thought, until the car gradually came to a stop.

Song Futan had already stepped out, leaning against the car door. Even though Lan He knew Song Futan couldn’t see inside, he still felt as though he was being watched, waiting for him to exit.

Song Futan was dressed in black as usual. His cloakfish tails hung low, pressing down on his clothes that fluttered gently in the breeze. The moonlight highlighted his proud, handsome features, much like the night they first met.

Lan He had a feeling, a premonition. He got out of the car a bit slower, his emotions difficult to describe. Tilting his head slightly, he looked at Song Futan and said, “Hu Si mentioned that you were once troubled by the fact that we are from different worlds…”

At some point before dawn, they had both wanted to ask each other’s names, but neither had taken the first step. Now, however, Lan He thought, there’s no reason not to say it.

Song Futan shared the same thought. “It’s not just that we come from different worlds. We’ve only ever met in the dark of night, only to part at dawn. You belong to the Eastern Peak Underworld, and I don’t even know where my soul will go when I die.”

Lan He’s heart pounded like a drum, and his cheeks flushed beneath his scarf, much like the first time he had read Song Futan’s writings and glimpsed his true feelings through them.

Song Futan added, “The fact that you’re still alive is the best news I could’ve hoped for—because I fear even death wouldn’t allow me to be with you.”

---

Author’s note:

Hu Si: In the first half of my life, I disliked by First Lady Hu. In the second half, I became the ultimate matchmaker for these two hopeless guys. What’s the point of living, really?