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For a long time, I was often mistaken as a girl.
Smooth black hair.
Long eyelashes bordering big eyes.
Shy and just hiding behind my parents.
…so it seems?
I was introverted as a child, and many of my relatives’ children and neighborhood children were girls.
I’d be forcibly dragged out, and I hate how they’d often tie my hair, dress me up as a girl, or put on makeup.
Furthermore, by the time the adults began to participate, I became a living dress-up doll.
I’d frequently wear dresses with frills and ribbons.
Even my ordinary clothes were very feminine.
My parents went too far and didn’t even cut my hair, so I look very girly.
──it was really painful and troublesome.
My parents quickly stopped it and my hair was cut shorter, but I was still made to put on a wig when they dressed me up.
It’s probably the reason why I’m not good at women.
I only had the recognition that “woman = those who force cross-dressing (people who forced me to do what I don’t like)”.
I want to spend as little as possible with women other than my mother.
So I was relieved when I was alone with men.
However, I realized that my thoughts of friendship turned into love after finding out that I didn’t just feel relief and familiarity.
Originally, I had been dressed as a woman ever since I could remember, so I had never liked women because I didn’t have a good feeling for them.
It’s only natural that I only like men.
As for the question of “Am I different?”, I don’t think so anymore.
It even seemed natural to me.
Even so, I somehow understood that I’m different from others, so I didn’t tell anyone about it.
My first love was a junior high student who lived in the neighborhood.
At that time, I was an 8-year-old third-grader.
Without even telling him, I was heartbroken when I saw him walk with a girl one day.
The dress-up ended suddenly one day.
Still, I was often mistaken as a girl and I just hated it.
Even though I’m wearing men’s clothes and my hair is short, I only looked like a boyish girl.
Even though I called myself “ore“, I was sometimes told, “why is a girl calling herself ore?”
In the upper grades of elementary school, the people around me are beginning to notice, and there are many gossips about couples and dirty stories.
“Which one has a pair of cute ○○” and “△△ confessed to □□”, and… “who grew more hair” and, “who’s peeled”…
But most of the time, I was being played during those conversations.
I have a feminine face, so I hesitate to talk about those things.
…even if I was allowed to participate, I can’t do love talks since I only like men.
Even when I became a junior high school student, my feminine face seemed to feel out of place.
There’s no reason to be pleased when people say that I’m “more beautiful than a woman”.
I’m not happy to hear that “you can just hug Aoyama”.
When I was told to take off my clothes since they thought I didn’t have that, I couldn’t help myself.
That was the first fight in my life.
I didn’t want to take the place of a woman.
──I know they’re just joking.
Still, I didn’t want them to say that they want to hug me like that with such a motive.
But if you like a man, you can’t say it.
However, even if a girl confessed to me, it didn’t move my heart.
What should I do if my boyfriend says, “if you were a woman, I would definitely do it!”
I was often directed unreasonable jealousy that I didn’t understand.
I’m not a woman, so I know that won’t happen.
“Are you stupid? I’m a man.”
I said such words many times.
I’m often amazed and laughed at them.
──it doesn’t make sense to be jealous of me.
That boyfriend would never fall in love with me as a “man”.
I’m sure they thought I said something stupid just to make them even more jealous.
I didn’t want to get involved in a lover’s quarrel.
Perhaps because I was like that, I became a cool character before I knew it.
A cold human who wouldn’t be moved.
And, a mysophobia so obvious that no one can approach.
It’s not that I didn’t have any friends, but when asked if I’m close with them, I couldn’t nod.
People who don’t know anything about me just talk.
However, it was definitely better than being hassled.
Even when I became a high school student, I was still a cold character.
As I grew taller, I’m more often seen with men than women, and at the same time, more and more women confessed.
It seems that I, who have a feminine face, was said to be a beautiful handsome guy at school.
I entered the tennis club, which was popular around that time, as I was invited and seemed to have decent skill.
Probably because I started to go in competitions and such, confessions and such have also increased since this time.
…I’m not interested in women.
I didn’t even bother trying.
No one had been looking at the real me.
They only see me as an accessory or item that enhances their value.
I always refused, saying I didn’t have the time to go out.
In fact, I was busy with club activities, and even without those, I practiced by myself including running.
That excuse seemed to be the most convincing and no one said anything about it.
…sometimes, I’d just say it’s “no good”.
In high school, I survived citing club activities as an excuse.
And after retiring, I could say I was busy studying for college.
The problem was after I entered university.
The number of invitations for mixers increased.
The tennis circle was mostly for mixers and drinking parties, and since they only played tennis once in a while, I quit immediately.
I didn’t have a goal and just thought I’d be a salaryman in the future…I was only thinking that.
When I was free, more women would approach me, so I started looking for a part-time job.
However, I didn’t really intend to work part-time since I was just looking.
Still, I was invited to mixers and drinking parties.
“Looking for a part-time job.”
“Issues at home.”
I just made excuses and refused.
“You just need to sit down with us.”
“I’ll introduce you to a good part-time job.”
Still, there are too many people who never give up…
“You guys, mixer mixer mixer…when you open your mouths, is that the only words you know how to say? Is that the only thing in you bastards’ head!?”
I don’t know how many times I said those words.
I wish I could go out with a guy I liked, but what would I do if I go there?
Why do I have to go to a place where I only feel like smiling politely?
It was honestly annoying when they called out to me almost every day.
So one day, when I woke up, I realized that I was late because my alarm didn’t ring since I’d forgotten to set it or it was broken, discouraging me from going.
I turned off my phone and closed my eyes to sleep again.
…after that, I never thought that the future waiting for me was──
4 thoughts on “ACDWL 017: Extra – Aoyama Kou’s Recollection –”
Thanks for the update
Jeez Louise, my boy had it hard. People who are “normal” don’t realise how miserable they make the rest of us. Is it that fun? Be better, humans. Dammit.
Its really hard for gay people. I feel the same qay, except im a lesbian…